Build Your Own Theology: Do the ends justify the means?

Normally I would say a big fat NO

Because the ends justifying the means... has been used to justify so many terrible things, I just can't stomach it. The reason, I think, that this is... is because as the reading says "Our means are always implicated in our ends; they form a great chain of cause and effect. We can never do only one thing. Our actions have many consequences, not just the ones that are apparent." and then gives examples of like, war and stuff. So think about that video at the flight museum trying to justify the dropping of the atomic bombs on Japan because it supposedly saved more lives in the long run and kept the war from dragging on forever? Was that really justified? Did it not possibly have lasting and unintended effects? I suppose you could say there have been mainly positive effects apart from the immediate loss of life, because now the world knows just how horrifying atomic warfare is, and is less likely to engage in it again (but then what was the cold war all about??) and Japan doesn't seem to be holding a grudge against us, but... I just ... I really am not prepared to ever state that violence is justified simply because it prevents other violence. Because you cannot predict the way that violence will grow. We start as a culture to accept that violence is part of life, something to be praised in certain circumstances even... and that makes it easier to use it when we don't have to. 


I think about my horror about the end of the Watchmen movie (I won't spoil it for you. If you HAVE watched it, you know what I mean) and how thought-provoking that whole situation was. Is killing a hundred an acceptable sacrifice to prevent violence between thousands? I can't imagine giving a "yes" to that answer. I do not feel I have any right to judge whether any other being is worthy of life or death. In the words of Gandalf the Grey: "Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. But can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death and judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends."

I understand part of this may be a knee-jerk reaction though. I mean... if some guy is molesting a bunch of helpless kids or something and you're the only one around who can stop him... do you shoot him or what? Is it less violent to stand by and do nothing? Is it useful to go and throw yourself between them only to get knocked out, so that the violence encompasses you as well? This is the kind of thing my brother probably worries about and is why he's preoccupied with mentally preparing himself to harm others if necessary. Obviously, ideally, we want to do the least amount of harm possible. Cue Asimov's three laws of robotics, the first of which is "A Robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm." There comes the question of what harm is most important to prevent? I imagine a robot in that situation would try to restrain the man and could do it because robots are strong. But say the robot was weak or small and couldn't do it? It would need to incapacitate the man somehow. So if it had some means of doing so I think it would have to. Maybe knock the guy out, or shoot his leg so he couldn't follow while you took the kids to safety. In that case I would condone a certain amount of violence. But I would be upset if it seemed killing him was inevitable. Caught between killing someone and letting someone be killed... initiate roblock! Mental freeze-out! But that's not useful either. 

I am thinking on a certain Star Trek Voyager episode with the EMH and that Cardassian doctor, where the EMH could save a life if he used the Cardassian Doctor's research, but that research was obtained through torturing prisoners with medical experiments. The EMH didn't want to do it, even though much of modern medical knowledge has been similarly obtained through torturing animals. At the point where the episode is occurring, these cruel methods are not generally being used on animals or humanoids. Still, he balks.
Just stand there and let me yell at you while completely ignoring my own hypocrisy

I think there is the distinction between using positive outcomes of negative actions in order to create more positive outcomes... and justifying or supporting more negative actions because they produce some positive outcomes. So like... it's not good to say "well the animal's dead already so what's the harm in buying the meat to give to a hungry neighbor", because if you have an alternative to paying for the death of an animal, you should always take it. But if you are supporting demand for animals to be killed, you have created the positive outcome of feeding people by directly supporting a negative action (killing animals). However, if a plane crashes in the Andes and a bunch of your fellow humans are already dead, you might be justified in eating them in order to survive. I may be grossed out but I'm not gonna judge you for it. Your action in that case doesn't precipitate more killing of humans for cannibalistic purposes (unless you get some weird taste for human flesh but let's not go there). It's making the most of a bad situation. If two people are stranded on a desert island, is one justified in killing and eating the other in order to survive longer? Or in purposely starving the other to death in order to survive longer? That is the way I feel about killing an animal in some imaginary life or death situation. I guess I pity anyone who is desperate enough to make such a choice. Maybe that's arrogant of me. I can't say since I've never been in a situation like that. I don't speak of veganism to people who have no other option than to eat meat because I've never encountered anyone like that.

But as for the Cardassian doctor thing... his bad methods were no longer being pursued, but the results of his research could save an innocent life. I believe using the research would be justified if it saved a life and if the use of it did not act as a stimulus for similar cruelty in the future. This is not supporting the continuation of bad research methods. It is using the positive products of a bad situation to create something better. Say I hated plastic with a burning passion (which I kind of do). Would I go and bomb a plastic recycling plant? Say that plant was creating affordable and much-needed items for a poor population which had been ravaged by environmental poisons and disaster? Plastic is terrible because it uses up resources to produce and then never breaks down, continually poisoning and littering the planet. But if it's already been made, the best thing we can do is find positive ways to use it, and halt or diminish the demand for new plastic. The existence of that plastic recycling plant may seem to be condoning the creation of plastic (without plastic, it wouldn't exist), but it is in fact creating a more positive outcome than if it hadn't existed. 

I suppose what it comes down to is that... yes, there is violence in the world. Sometimes we cannot always act in an entirely ideal way, because the world we live in is not ideal. But we can try our best to not deviate from our ideals more than absolutely necessary. 

Some days I wish I could do something drastic to shut down all the factory farms. I wish I could force people to go vegan, to stop killing and exploiting animals. I fully condone the deception required in order to make undercover videos of factory farms. I would condone stealing animals from factory farms unless this proved to cause more negative effects for the animals remaining... for example, if it damaged the credibility of the animal rights movement to the point where we could not win any more people to our side. When you really think about it, theft might result in them trying to breed or buy even larger quantities of animals, or in cutting cost of care even further, leading to even greater neglect or abuse. Being branded eco-terrorists does very little to help animals. I think this is part of the thing about our ends being implicated and tied up into our means. If we are not careful, we may accomplish one positive end only to find that we have cut off future opportunities to do more good. So that is why the liberators of animals have to be careful how they go about things. It is incredibly frustrating at times. I think of the undercover investigators themselves, who must stand by and watch these innocents being killed and hurt. Some people have the audacity to call them cold-hearted, saying "if I were there I would have grabbed that piglet and run! How could you just stand by with your videocamera?" But the undercover investigator is working for a greater end. They must gather enough footage to present as evidence against the company, which could result in the company shutting down or having to change their practices due to public outcry. The end here is to try and prevent as much harm for as many animals as possible. It is heartbreaking that so many animals must suffer and die before the truth can be brought to light. But what else can we do? The world is so perverted that there is no way to stop all of this at once without creating a potentially worse situation.

Some people argue that getting companies to tone down the violence a little bit will only result in the general public becoming complacent about animal rights, thinking "well, they're not getting REALLY tortured anymore, so I don't have to worry about whether exploiting them is right or wrong." They want to take things a step further and say "what use is going from cages to cage-free when this only tricks the public into thinking the chickens are actually treated well, when they're still packed into a tiny space and not allowed to really live their full lives, only until they're big enough to eat?" The opposing side counters with the argument that we must do whatever we can to improve the lot of the animals, since it is highly unlikely that everyone will go vegan no matter how terrible things are in factory farms. We have to do whatever we can, even if it takes a long time. We have to be patient.

not cage free

cage free

And maybe those people who feel good about their choice to buy cage-free eggs will balk at being told that that's not good enough. But maybe they won't. Maybe they'll learn about how bad the situation still is, and eventually take another baby step toward a more compassionate lifestyle. I think this comes back, again, to us, to how careful we must be in approaching others. We should not criticize them for not making a big enough step toward veganism or a big enough try at helping animals. We must appreciate every effort anyone makes. Discouraging positive behavior simply because it does not do very much good is likely to do even less good than if we had said nothing at all. 

So I guess this all goes back to another quote from the reading which is by Saul Alinsky:
"The true question... is 'Does this particular end justify this particular means?'"

In other words, we have to use our brains and think about what the potential outcomes might be before making any decision which could be seen as violent, harmful, or otherwise immoral or illegal. This goes back to the situational ethics idea from last week (I haven't quite posted a journal on that one yet, since everything overlapped so well with the journal on motivation). We must take into account what the reality of the situation is, and then decide how best to proceed. Sometimes there is no hard and fast rule. For me, the closest thing that I have to a hard and fast rule is "avoid doing harm as much as possible." But the flip side of that is "prevent as much harm as possible". Which once again goes back to the lovely First Law of Robotics. I will repeat all three laws here because I really believe they are a good model for human morality as long as there is room to interpret them situationally.

A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. (obviously we cannot prevent all harm everywhere, but we must do what we can to not cooperate with evil through our silence or inaction).
A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the first law. (we can take this to mean we must obey the laws of the land and cooperate with others unless this is causing harm)
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the first or second law (we must have respect and regard for ourselves. I would say that this one is the one we most need to stretch because humans need to take care of themselves before they can really care for anyone else. We must find our own strength so that we are not a burden to others, and then we are free to be a more positive influence in preventing harm and cooperating freely and sincerely with others, not through coercion or resentful obligation.)

Obviously Asimov wrote many stories about how the laws' strictness could be an obstruction to proper functioning and utility of robots. That is because robotic brains have a very difficult time with creating exceptions or abstractions. These three laws are as close as anyone could come to concrete rules which leave little room for interpretation, and even still there are questions and ambiguities which throw some robots for a loop. The robot stories Asimov writes warn against following a rule simply for its own sake without questioning the effect it might have. But it also warns against how strict rules often result in trying to find loopholes rather than actually following the spirit of the law, the reason the law was written.

So there's another thought dump about ethics. Conclusion: our means should always complement our ends as much as possibly. We need perspective in decision-making and to ask ourselves what our true end goals are (not merely short-term or immediate), and whether our means will hurt or help our quest toward that end. Similarly we should question whether our end goal is even worthy. And remember the reason for rules and moralities. It is to affirm life and help everything live to its fullest potential of happiness... in my opinion.

Build Your Own Theology: Motivation

Hello!

I haven't posted on here for quite a while. Over a year! And what a year 2013 was. The most difficult year of my life so far, I do not hesitate to say, but in that difficulty are also some wonderful memories and outrageously fun adventures. I'm on the verge of moving for a second time since my last mentioned move on here. I'm becoming more active in Unitarian Universalism and also studying Zen Buddhism, and this has given me a lot of help and clarity in the midst of crawling out of one of my darkest times. So I'm in a good place right now, and I wanted to share some of my thoughts lately for anyone who might find them interesting.

So here's my first journal for a class I'm taking on ethics called "Build Your Own Theology".

So the first class I went to was all about whether motivation matters in ethical behavior. The crux of the matter was examining whether we do things for ultimately selfish ends (getting into heaven, getting credit somehow) or if doing good is truly its own reward. Is there ever such a thing as a truly selfless act, if we know that we will get some kind of positive benefit from it, even if that's just taking joy in another's joy or avoiding guilt?

So it was interesting because I've thought about this a lot myself... what is true selflessness, and is it possible or desirable? With the Zen stuff I've been reading lately, and all the ways I've been pondering the concept of self-love, I've realized that being "selfish" in some ways is a good thing if it is motivated by a desire to be more of a positive force, more useful in the long run. If someone gives and gives with reckless disregard for whether they will be able to support themselves, they become a burden to others financially and emotionally, and this could breed resentment, which is not creating a more positive outcome in the end. It is not elevating or enriching or helping the world in general even if it might temporarily help someone specifically. Sometimes spontaneous generosity is a good thing, it's true, and sometimes people who give without worrying too much about their own problems end up finding those problems solved unexpectedly through some kind of karma. Basically, for myself, I realize I have to in a sense withhold a part of myself, guarding it and nurturing it, in order to actually be a more positive force rather than a negative one. I have to take the time to nurture myself instead of expecting others to do it or getting mad at myself for having needs in the first place--neither of those are productive. I have to guard against the guilty "I must" in order to be able to say sincerely that I want to.

It's funny because I was also thinking about this in terms of an article on polyamory that a friend posted. The crux of it was that people who are not jealous about their partners finding what they need with other people or being free to have their needs met by a variety of people... they end up being more secure in their relationship with their partner because the relationship does not depend wholly on them being everything to their partner, and they become an option instead of an obligation, which means that they can be confident the love that flows to them is genuine. It is a choice to stay together, a choice to be fully committed to one another's happiness even if that happiness does not always come from them. So that commitment actually translates into encouraging one another to seek fulfillment elsewhere when necessary. I thought that was really interesting.

Also I think about it in terms of being one's true self in order to better serve the world. If everybody felt free to follow their passion, would the world collapse? I don't know about that. Sure there are jobs that nobody really wants to do, but then, some people would always be skilled in those things and appreciated all the more for them I would think. Of course this is an idealistic utopian sort of idea. But at least from what I've observed with my favorite band, Steam Powered Giraffe, magic happens when you truly devote yourself to your passion, and you end up blessing the lives of others in ways you never even dreamed. I think about this a lot. Is it selfish for them to be artists and performers, to ask money for something that they enjoy doing? We obviously believe it is a fair price to support them so that they can continue to enrich our lives with their music and charm. My mom showed me this really cool TED talk by Amanda Palmer (which is so cool and funny because isn't she David's like favorite musician?) all about how people really do value the arts and our most powerful business in life is in giving of ourselves and trusting ourselves to others to be reciprocated in whatever way. That it's okay to ask for things from people because often in receiving we are also giving something valuable to others.

So basically... living for ourselves in terms of living to be our best selves, our most positive and helpful selves... being selfish in that way, is ultimately not selfish, because we are meant to value ourselves and empower ourselves to bless others. That is the essence of what Swil Kanim meant when he told me that the world is counting on me to live my passion, and when he said that to everyone else as well. To be myself authentically and to live my truth because no one can be me like I can. Guilt and the heaviness of unwilling obligation stunts that growth, it blocks that positive energy from flowing freely. I think that's why Jesus said it's better not to give a gift grudgingly. We also don't want to give anything we would feel we are owed for... that's not a true gift. Gift-giving is powerful because it comes from a place of truly wanting the best for everyone, truly wanting to see others happy, not from wanting to get anything out of it even if that something is a closer bond with someone or a sense of being able to ask for the same in return. It's okay to ask for things but not if you are going to resent being told no. Acknowledging the freedom others have to honor their own selves is really good... wanting to only be told yes when that yes is sincere... that is probably what we all want most without realizing it, but our own fear gets in the way, because we think if nobody gives us what we need, how will we survive? So we must demand? So we must give more in order to lock people into reciprocal obligation? That's sad.

Similarly I think if there is a God who truly wants us to follow certain rules, I think this being would like it best if we do it not out of fear or an obligation to please God like some slavish trembling child who fears disappointment, but if we do it out of recognizing that this is truly the best way and if we do this it will make everything better for everyone and make our loved ones AND US happy (if God is one of our loved ones then doing it because we truly believe it will make both us and God happy also counts). I know this is basically also what Mormonism teaches when you get past all the leviticus-like nitpickers but coming at it from a fresh angle really helps.

On a slightly related note I think about this in terms of veganism as well. Because yes guilt does have a big impact on that decision, realizing that harm is coming because of your actions... but I think if people come at it resentfully feeling like they were GUILTed into it by someONE then they are not going to stick with it probably, and it's not going to help because they will not be a good activist in that case. If they come at it with love and a true desire to improve the world and help change people's hearts genuinely then that helps enormously... it passes along that change much more effectively. If someone comes to the decision as a result of being aware of their own conscience, their own desire to be kind and compassionate being at odds with their actions, that is what will enact true change. So motivation does matter... it matters if it truly comes from within yourself and does not feel forced by outside sources. In order to be truly good, you have to truly want to be good of your own will. It's okay if that comes from learning that you want to be good because it makes a loved one happy. But if that is the only reason, it's not going to last, you have to internalize it and realize that you want to BE the person that person thinks you are, regardless of whether that person continues to think so or remains in your life or changes their opinions. There is a transition, a transformation, a transference of power and agency in that process, where you take that motivation upon yourself. You become good when you truly want to be a good person, when you want it to be an intrinsic part of your personality that radiates outward to help others. At that point the distinctions of selfish and selfless become less important because you are recognizing that in being true to yourself (the good in yourself) you are spreading goodness. In loving yourself you are also freeing yourself to spread love to others and teach them to love themselves. You are able to be confident that what is best for you (not always in a worldly sense) will be good for others as well.

of course there is room for confusion and mistakes and self-delusion here. People can misinterpret this and become arrogant or misguided if they don't have enough self-awareness and awareness of others in order to really get their head on straight. You don't want to block others from affecting you with their words entirely. But if you are centered in seeking goodness for yourself and others then criticism will be an opportunity to continue in that path, rather than something to become defensive over. You can calmly examine whether it is useful to you, and then either apply or discard it as needed with no hard feelings. It's just like... if your primary goal is to become a really good writer, and you are enthusiastic and confident in your pursuit of that goal, then criticism will not make you feel like giving up as easily, because you will see it as an opportunity to take another step toward that goal, or at least to understand what the obstacles are that lie between you and your goal.

Geez I'm saying all of this as if I'm living it already. I'm trying to more and more each day. It's not always easy but it is definitely more positive than what I had been doing.

Here's a quote I underlined from the reading.

"Of course, all motives are a mixture of altruism and self-interest. It appears that all of us and all our actions, even the most altruistic, are tainted by self-interest. There is always some regard for the self in human relations. There is no love for the other without self-love, and without self-respect there can be no respect for the other."

Tainted is not the word I would use now but I get what it's trying to say. It's really strange sometimes to recognize the difference between wanting to be good so that I can feel better about myself, maybe even better than other people (yikes!) and wanting to be good so that there is more good in the world. There is a big difference, though subtle and sometimes hard to see. But it feels very different. There is actually less self-consciousness in pure motivation. There is less checking of ourselves because we are only checking ourselves against our own compass rather than trying to predict what other people will think, either good or bad. It's easy to fall into, certainly. But I'm hopeful that I can keep going this way without becoming self-righteous again. True humility, I think, is not putting ourselves below others necessarily... but recognizing that we are all exactly the same level of awesome, in the words of Michael Reed. We may have a different balance of awesome. It might have a bit different composition. But the quantity or potential is the same... the fact that we were all created to add to the beauty of the world. That is the best part of our nature and we all have the opportunity to embrace that. We all have something to give by being our truest selves.

I'm getting a little repetitive now so I guess that's where I'll stop with this journal. May write one for the week I missed later.

Coming Out Of The Dark

Hello. I haven't posted on here in months. There are a few different reasons for that.

One is that I have been questioning my religious identity lately and I wasn't sure if I should continue to speak as an LDS Vegan if I am no longer fully representative of the LDS church.

Another is that I have been facing a lot of personal, emotional, and relational challenges which I will choose to call opportunities to grow.

Another is that I have not been cooking any new and exciting things, even though I have recently been to some great Vegan-friendly restaurants.

To be honest, I suppose you could say I've been depressed. And being depressed often makes it difficult to feel like doing anything that involves facing one's own imperfections. This weekend I fully intended to set aside time to allow myself to be sad and angry about life. But before I had even started, my weekend got good. Not only good, it got great, and this culminated in a sermon at the Bellingham Unitarian Fellowship which cracked my heart open and started pouring healing onto it. So I thought I should share a bit of this moment of clarity with anyone who is reading this.

Bear with me, because while this post is about pacifism (something which goes hand in hand with veganism in my opinion), it is also about peace within ourselves.

Today was Armistice Day and Veteran's Day. Armistice Day commemorates the day on which World War I was ended at 11:11 (yes, on 11/11). Apparently in the years between WWI and WWII, every November 11th at 11:11 people would stop, even streetcars would stop halfway up a hill, and observe two minutes of silence, one for the dead of the war, and one for those who were left behind... the mothers and children and friends.

So the choir sang Prayer of the Children, which has been one of my favorite songs since my earliest memories, and I couldn't help but cry, it was so beautiful and sad.
The sermon was about the ugliness of war, and how we learn lessons from history so, so slowly, but that we need to keep trying to be vocal against violence, to remind people of the lessons of history, and try to remember them even when we're afraid, hurt, or angry. It was really powerful... a tribute to pacifism that was not at all heavy-handed, but simply telling the emotional truth of war, the toll it takes, and indirectly asking if it is ever worth it.


Now you might wonder why this made my weekend so great, when it's such a depressing topic. Well, the rest of my day did involve a lot of more cheerful things, like playing a game impromptu over the phone with my sister, and laughing more than I ever expected just from the sheer joy of talking to a friend. But it was the mix of the feelings that made the day wonderful, actually. I watched a TED talk on vulnerability which you can listen to here. The most important thing I took away from it is that we as humans are wired for love and connection, and vulnerability is essential to that, even though it is also the source of anxiety, shame, and pain. We try to avoid the hard feelings by numbing ourselves. But we can't selectively numb ourselves. If we numb one emotion our capacity to feel others will inevitably be lessened, and that leads to the misery we're trying to avoid by numbing ourselves... it's a vicious cycle. So. If I need to, I will still let myself feel sad or angry this coming week. But, I will try to let myself feel happy too. Here is what I have learned.

I need to work on embracing the heartbreakingly beautiful thing that is life lived wholeheartedly. It is painful, but it is also good, even if I'm scared to death of not getting what I really want or of letting people down. I realized this weekend that a lot of the anger I've been feeling is at myself, because I had in my heart committed to doing whatever it took to be there for someone who is very important to me, but then that commitment crumbled under my own needs and weakness. Or "selfishness" as I sometimes chose to call it. The realization that maybe I just can't be everything I want to be in a given moment was really earth shattering. It made me feel extremely inadequate. It made me feel like my worth as a friend was below zero. It wasn't anything anyone else did. It was all me and my own horror at the fact that I wanted something I thought was selfish to want.

But in hurting myself for wanting things, I make myself angry, and that anger gets displaced onto the people around me.

It is strange to have this feeling of clarity after weeks of muddling around in the dark. Even while I'm feeling clear, the fear is still there. The sadness. Yes, I have lost some things that are important to me, some chances, some threads of my life may not be picked back up or woven in the way I dreamed they would. And that is sad and it always will be. But I am so, so lucky. And I am okay. It is okay for me to be who I am, even if that means being sad and hurting. And I'm crying now but that's okay too, because hurting is okay. It's a good part of life. It's a teacher.

I recently watched a poetic video which really moved me because it is so relevant to this stage in my life. It's about being alone.

You can watch it here: http://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs

I guess my life is a little bit like history. I go to war with myself so many times, I hurt myself emotionally because I am afraid of what the different sides of me are doing, I'm afraid of parts of myself being destroyed by other parts, and I learn lessons which I forget over and over but can only hope will be engraved into my heart a little deeper at the end of every conflict and before the next one. And just like the world I don't know if I will ever be permanently at peace or cease violence against myself on all levels, but I can set it as a goal and move towards it, and hope, and hope, and hope.

And enjoy whatever peace comes in between the conflicts, and fall in love with that peace, but bear the burden of pain and vulnerability more courageously with each emotional falling out with myself. I can try to learn to love and accept my imperfections as part of the learning process, as part of being alive and being a human capable of deep transformation.

I caught on to a feeling of freedom today, and for once I was able to acknowledge that in some ways my focus needed to be changed. I haven't had much perspective in the last few months as to my own personal purpose in life. Although actually, home is still on my mind... the creation of or return to a home, the home, the homes. And I suppose I took that as my purpose. As the TED speaker says, that's what we're here for, connection... neurologically, biologically, we are wired that way, and of course I believe spiritually as well. And I still believe that I am meant to be loved deeply and to love others deeply and create a sense of home. I just don't know who that will be with or when or where or how. And it is okay.

I may still have days when I get desperate for family. When I'm so homesick that I feel like I can't face another day on my own. When I want so badly to feel connected that I am willing to discard every scrap of individual opinion or feeling that is holding me back from that goal. And that's okay too. Those feelings are valid and are good because it means that I am alive and letting myself feel things, letting emotions drive home to me what is most important even if I can't have it all now. I can rejoice in the beauty of those longings, in the fact that I am literally made to love and be loved, and eventually I will learn more and more how to do that better, and I can find bits and pieces of happiness along the way, pieces that shine in my pockets like the falling stars saved for a rainy day in the song my mom used to sing.

Right now they are glowing like nightlights in my fists, like sparks of bioluminescence in the ocean at long beach, like the firelight behind our heads and the moonlight as we looked for shooting stars early in the morning before the sunrise. They are glowing like the chalices at BUF, the candles on the table in the back lit for sorrows and joys of unnamed congregants. They are glowing like magical stones, the hearts of mythical beasts, the eyes of jack-o-lanterns and christmas lights and candles on a birthday cake when everyone is around you. They are glowing like quiet sunsets and fireworks and the windows of lodges at Holden Village. Like sunlight on the backs of dragonflies, and the reflection of light hiding periwinkles in the river, like the brightest of the golden leaves before the first snow. Like Las Vegas hiding behind the horizon, like Jupiter at the end of the telescope, and like the jeweled green of new leaves on Easter morning.

Life is good even when it hurts, and like The Doctor said, the bad things don't necessarily outweigh the good things or make them unimportant. Even when life is literally too painful for some people to take, that doesn't mean it wasn't worth living, and that they weren't worth their own time in life. It doesn't mean the world was any less beautiful for their pain or their confusion or loss or sorrow.

So it is okay for me to feel these things. It is okay for me to be beautifully sad and fearfully joyful. It is even okay for me to feel ugly and angry and dark once in a while. I can come out of it and still feel the shining of things if I pay enough attention. If I don't numb myself too much to escape from life.

And yes, right now I do believe in God with my whole heart, because my heart is singing out to Him, whatever or wherever he is. I feel that the beauty of life in every tiny moment is something that, whether incidental or intentional, is so perfectly designed like a song, like music, the notes happen and each is brought into being individually even as they are part of something whole and alive which lives and dies, swells and subsides. And this feeling of awe and inspiration is too closely linked to my religious life to probably ever extricate or separate, although I know that I can't predict the future even in things I feel are certain never to change. Still, regardless of what it is connected to, I want to embrace it wholeheartedly as I used to more often in the past, and let it change me, open my eyes and heart to living from the heart. Really that is where we all live whether we admit it to ourselves or not. If we can make peace with our own hearts and love them for what they are, life becomes so much more meaningful in the small things.

And I had no idea I had this much to say on this subject, but the flow of words picked me up and it feels like I'm being spoken through, like the me that is present in my mind lately, the angry and shallow me I dislike, has fallen silent and stepped aside to allow something powerful and beautiful and pure to pour out like water from a rock. And although I sometimes wonder whether we should trust this spontaneously joyful and loving part of myself, since its desires have sometimes seemed to cause pain and turmoil... I don't think that changes the fact that the heart itself of that phenomenon is good and should not be starved or beaten into submission. It is beautiful. It is so beautiful, the purest core of that feeling.

And it makes me like myself a lot more, because of the chance that maybe, just maybe, THIS is the real me, and everything that I hate is the surface me, the shell with which I try to guard myself from the world. I know that when I talk to people I really love about things that are hurting them, when I get into that mode of having really deep empathetic conversation, I feel that the cores of those people I love are like this thing that is moving in me now. I don't know what to call it without sounding cheesy or trite. But it's the real reason life is worth living, and I can never get away from that. I don't want to. Why would I?


May Days

I am posting this on the last day of July, which is pretty sad. I have been having a difficult time wanting to update this blog ever since April, because of some soul-searching I've been going through. I didn't feel I was in any position to post my own "wisdom" about veganism and religious things. But I guess I've decided to try to start back up again, because having a reason to organize my thoughts helps me to examine why I hold certain beliefs.

So here's what happened in May!



I began to look for a new place to live. I wanted to make sure that I ended up in a place where neither my religious beliefs nor my veganism would be looked down upon. So, between fairly full days working for Premier Graphics (which was really an answer to my prayers!) I began to search for a new apartment to share with someone. It's always scary, putting myself out there. I'm not a naturally extroverted person, but I usually do enjoy meeting new people. Luckily all the people I met were really nice! Near the end of the month I ended up choosing an apartment closer to where I worked. My new roommate is very understanding of veganism, is a Christian, and also a science-fiction nerd like me, so it's a great setup altogether. Plus, it's right next to some protected wetlands, making it quiet and peaceful, and an excellent place to grow my garden, even if they will have to stay in their pots.

There they go, beginning to grow....
Meanwhile, I have set about the task of trying to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for moving out (which would happen at the end of June) and also for seeing my best friend Danielle leave for Germany (which will happen in September). It's not an easy road and there's no map for me to follow, at least not one that I trust. But I try to comfort myself in knowing that I will always have someone to turn to. While I was living in Hawaii, even though I could see Danielle on the weekends, I was often lonely during the week because I had no other friends around. While learning and growing as a new vegan, I took a lot of comfort in animals, whether just meeting eyes with them, or petting a friendly cat I met on the street. So, one night recently when I was home alone in Bellingham,  I was feeling lonely. Along comes a friendly cat who insists on coming inside and keeping me company!

It was also really nice to have Oma (Danielle's grandmother) over for lunch one day. Me and Danielle made Chickpea Picatta from the PPK, with arugala, and it was (of course) delicious!


Here's a picture of the table all set up for lunch!
Oma and the rest of Danielle's family will still be around, and luckily, they're like my second family. So that should make things easier for me.

Oh, Danielle also made a variation of the peanut butter chocolate eggs! It's called "Sweet and Salty Raspberry Hazelnut Butter Cups" and it is basically amazing. She made them for Oma but I got to taste a couple!


So all in all May was a good month!

Easter Goodies and Early Birthday Gifts

I haven't been very good at updating this blog regularly... sorry (not sure who I'm apologizing to, but all the same).

Things have turned up since last I wrote! I now have a new job with a company called Premier which creates school planners and calendars. I start work on the 24th, just two days after my 23rd birthday, which is of course on April 22nd. I'm excited and nervous and still a little in shock about the whole thing. It's a seasonal position but even if they don't decide to keep me on after summer, it will look pretty good on my resume!

But first I should talk a little about Easter!

I was anxious about spending another Easter away from my family, especially since this year it would just be me and Danielle celebrating together. It's been several years now since I was last home for Easter with my family, and it's one of my favorite holidays. My family has a tradition of doing a sunrise hike and sermon on Easter morning. My parents also write us each cards telling us how they appreciate the ways in which we've changed and grown in the past year... and then we have our Christian Passover Seder meal, full of symbolism and storytelling and singing. I miss it. Last year I was able to listen and participate a little bit over the phone, and that was nice.

This year we got invited to go on a hike with some acquaintances from school on Saturday. It turned out to be a gorgeously sunny weekend, and I loved it!




We hiked a trail near Larrabee State Park which is called the "oyster dome" trail. It was mostly uphill and pretty steep, but lots of trees, ferns, and views of the sound (puget sound or the salish sea) and we even crossed some streams along the way. It was pretty muddy in some places.
AND THEN we were silly enough to climb up on top of this big rock and almost couldn't get down... but we found a way in the end.

And of course, finally, we made it to the top of Oyster Dome.

Hiking has always felt like a very symbolic experience to me. It's a struggle to get to a higher place, a higher vantage point and perspective. Sometimes it seems like the trail just keeps getting steeper and our legs keep getting heavier and how could it possibly be worth it? But if it's a good hike and you're doing it right, it's half its own reward because you know each step is an accomplishment and you're in the middle of a beautiful wilderness. If you were to stop along the way, you could see beauty where you are, but still, you keep going because there's something amazing to see, and a great thrill of accomplishment to feel, when you reach the top. It's a great way to think about life. It makes me feel optimistic, like each heavy step is meaningful. Even the mud just makes it more memorable. And sometimes we stop and take detours to challenge ourselves for fun and then get stuck and maybe a little bit scared, but it all works out and soon enough we're on our way and glad we gave it a try.

There was no sunrise when we got to the top since the sun was already up, and no sermon. But I felt a similar sense of happiness and awe at the world and my tiny-but-real significance within it.

The next day we were so sore, but we dragged ourselves out of bed early to go to church together at Christ the Servant. Yes, I go to church with Danielle sometimes, and I love it. The front of the chapel was covered in flowers, the choir was amazing, and there was a small band/orchestra type group with horns and a clarinet and flute which made everything sound twice as majestic. The Easter hymns nearly made me cry and for the first time in weeks I felt the joy of what it really means to be Christian. Jesus lives and rose from the dead--his love and hope conquered every darkness imaginable, and that means there's always hope for us, no matter how dead we feel. We can make it to the top. We can see the view. And we can have joy in the struggle. We can overcome anything because of that spark of light inside us, which sometimes, in special moments, feels more like a sun.

So my Easter was wonderful!

Granted, I've had to be careful since then, because I've been having way too many sweets!

First of all, me and Danielle made vegan peanut-butter filled chocolate eggs. They're basically exactly like Reese's cups, except better because we used Trader Joe's Pounds Plus dark chocolate for the outside which is way tastier than Reese's chocolate. We are definitely going to have to make and eat more of these soon!

Then last weekend Danielle's parents came up and we had a sort of combined birthday thing because our birthdays are only 12 days apart. So I got a new blender (EXCELLENT because my old one broke)! And a singing bowl (FANTASTIC because it reminds me of the East West Bookstore in Seattle, which is a spiritual sanctuary I've had the privilege of stepping into a few times)! Also they brought home-made Raspberry Truffle Brownies and homemade vegan blueberry cheesecake (unfortunately I don't know what recipe Danielle's dad used, but it was sure good, and so sweet of him to make it for us). Oh and Oma gave us chocolate hemp ice cream too.

Yes I am stealing the PPK's picture.
Since then we've both been kind of lazy because we started watching Doctor Who on Easter and I'm low on grocery money. But we still manage our usual pots of lentils and curries and the other night I made a lovely barley stew with lots of herbs and veggies in it. We've also made two batches of super easy homemade biscuits with Earth Balance and jam.


Enjoying the sun and rain which are beginning to happen in ALMOST equal measures. My plants are finally growing a little but they're still small. At least our houseplants are doing well.
reach toward the liiiight
Still anxious about the future. Life is a series of great contradictions and contrasts. I guess the best thing to do is to try to enjoy those contrasts and rejoice in the beauty of everyday life.


Ups and Downs

A lot has changed since I last wrote. I don't have many food pictures to share with you today so I'll just pick out the best of the springtime-y photos I've been taking and break up the monotony of my ramblings with them. Hopefully that makes this a little more interesting.

I honestly was excited to work at my new job, but since I was hired at the beginning of March, I've only worked 3 days and earned a little over 150 dollars. I wasn't able to get a hold of my bosses consistently, and because of family issues they didn't have time to train me, and I'm too slow to be put on a crew without my supervisor. It was a complicated situation and was only made worse by the fact that when I went to finally talk to them about it in person and get my paycheck (which was late) I ended up crying, and they ended up essentially saying that they were sorry I was having a hard time but they couldn't really change the way they were doing things. So now it's back to square one with the job search.
But at least the blossoms are pretty.
For a few days I was honestly, extremely down about this. I had a really hard time. Luckily, Danielle and I had decided to volunteer for Vegfest 2012 in Seattle, and that helped a little. Vegfest is put on by the Vegetarians of Washington, and was just a really awesome place to be. We volunteered with Field Roast, a Seattle-based company that makes amazing vegan sausages and other "meat" products out of grains, vegetables, and spices (no soy). We got to meet some of the people who run the company, and they were really nice--they even gave us about $40 worth of Field Roast products as thanks for volunteering! There were only a few of us volunteers at the booth and I was one of the ones running the grills. We were demonstrating their relatively new product: Frankfurters (aka delicious hot dogs).
Oh look a food picture!
They smell like bacon while they're cooking and taste really good. It's really an amazing product and it was so awesome to see everybody lining up at the table to get free samples and exclaiming over how good they were. I heard people telling their friends, and people came up to the table saying that someone they'd come with had said they had to try the hot dogs. It was really exciting, actually! And to know that all the people we were volunteering with were vegetarian, and to be in that environment where the death of animals is not a central part of the event (in the form of animal-derived foods) was honestly SO COOL.



It's like coming home to your own culture after being in a strange land, I guess. Around everyone who is not vegan there is always a part of me that is guarded because I know that they don't see animals the way I do, and I've come across so many nasty and thoughtless comments and jokes from people whenever they encounter a vegan. Actually just recently I commented on a thread on facebook and was sort of attacked by a fellow commenter. That was pretty frustrating. But at Vegfest I felt that part of me was able to relax--I was in a safe place. It was really nice.

Oh look, it's downtown Bellingham! IN THE SUN!

AND THERE WAS SO MUCH GOOD FOOD. So many tables with vegan yogurts, cheeses, burritos, jerky, frozen desserts, puddings, pies, cakes, mousse, smoothies, and health drinks. And it was packed full of people, too!

and the suuunlight was GLOORIOUSSss...

So that was the highlight of the last weekend. I still struggled with moments where I felt like I was in an unusual amount of emotional pain for some reason. I'm not sure why I felt so terrible about my job problem except that I really want to be able to be self-sufficient and contribute to other people instead of being a burden to them. I had to pray for strength a lot that weekend. But I am being helped by some wonderful, generous people. It's just frightening on the job market today, and even harder when you're vegan. Working at most food-related jobs is out of the question because it goes against my morals to profit from animal exploitation, so I can't just go work at a burger joint if all else fails, and that is not something I'm able to compromise on. The most I could do in food service is work at a grocery store stocking or cashiering, and maybe at a cafe as a dishwasher or something.


 Meanwhile, my best friend Danielle has been accepted to a Master's Program in Germany, meaning I probably won't be seeing her much for two years starting in the fall. Considering this, my future is even more uncertain, but if I can't find a job (and maybe even if I can) I'm considering looking at possible internships or volunteer work, hopefully with an organization that would benefit animals (like Mercy for Animals or the Humane Society or SOMETHING).
Look. It's a duck! Or something....
 I've been coping with the resurgence of emotional  rollercoastering by writing lots of Star Trek fanfiction, and trying to appreciate the few sunny days we've had when I can tear myself away from my computer. I'm also playing with the idea of putting together a small book of poetry, hopefully with some illustrations, that I could possibly sell to earn money--but I would be donating 50% of the profits to animal organizations. I think this would serve two purposes at once, making me feel like I was contributing to the causes I care about and still helping me toward my goal of financial independence. Every little step counts... at least I sure hope that's true.
Oh hi there. My hair's getting kind of long.

Meanwhile, my 23rd birthday is fast approaching and all I want is a new blender/food-processor.... My old one died while making that batch of Sunflower Mac. Cooking just isn't the same without it.

OH I JUST REMEMBERED. I finally planted some seeds in my pots from last year. I went to go buy some fertilizer at the local nursery and even though all the dry fertilizers had bone meal or some other animal product in it, I found a liquid fertilizer called Daniels Plant Food which is apparently soybean based and has no animal ingredients. So, a couple days ago I planted two pots of spinach, two pots of kale, a tiny bit of carrots, a pot of rainbow chard, a pot of peas, some dill, and some coriander. I hope they grow! I'll let you guys know how they do on the liquid fertilizer. I was really delighted to see that when I started loosening up the soil in the pots, all kinds of little creepy-crawlies were squirming around in the soil, including two nice fat earthworms. So hopefully that means the soil in the pots is nice and healthy, and will be good for the plants!

I just hope my seeds haven't drowned--right after I watered them, it rained and poured for a day and a half.

Food Picture Time!

I haven't been doing a lot of interesting cooking lately because I'm still waiting for my first paycheck and the grocery budget has temporarily shrunk (at least I hope it's temporary). Also I've been being a lazy bum doing a Star Trek marathon for the last few weeks.

But here are some of the few things we have made recently!

Eggplant and Black Eyed Pea Curry
From The PPK of course. It was a pretty simple recipe even if it did seem to take a long time (we were starting with dried beans). I liked it but Danielle didn't... something about the eggplant being bitter I guess. We left out the fennel seed. It made what felt like a ton of food for two people... We were eating it for the next 2 days.

Sunflower Mac
This was a pretty simple recipe too actually! I liked the way it tasted, even if it turned out a little gritty because our blender decided to DIE halfway through the process of making the sauce (RIP BLENDER. Thanks for dying when I have no money to replace you!) but I'll just say, despite what people may claim, it still doesn't taste like Mac n' Cheese. It's good, and I do like the flavor, but if you're going for authentic this isn't really it. I'd still recommend it to vegans though since a lot of people really love it.

Peanut Butter Blondies 

omg this recipe was so simple, and so rich it was ridiculous! Overwhelming peanut butter flavor. It was almost too much for me, and I'm a peanut butter addict o_o

Sweet Potato and White Bean Soup
I halfway made up this recipe myself by looking at recipes for soups involving white beans. This is a picture of my first try which didn't include kale... I like it better with kale in it though. I think this is basically how the recipe went, but you can always experiment with more herbs if it's too bland.

2 TBSP olive oil
4 cups veggie broth
1 onion, chopped
3-5 cloves garlic, minced
1/2-1 bunch chopped kale (depends on the size of the bunch)
1 can white beans
1 cup crushed italian style canned tomatoes
1 sweet potato or yam, chopped into smallish chunks
1-2 tsp of dried thyme

Fry up the onion until translucent, add garlic for a minute or two, then put in the broth, kale, tomatoes, and yam, along with thyme. Bring to a boil, then let simmer for 10-15 minutes or until yam is tender  (may take longer) Add white beans and warm through... add more salt, thyme, or fresh rosemary to taste (dried takes too long to soften).

Sushi
One day when we needed creative ways to use veggies, I made the zesty black bean and corn salad, and then whipped up these! It took ages but I had a lot of fun. They're very simple ingredients-wise... but time-consuming. I used the sushi rice recipe out of an excellent book called Kansha, and the recipe for the sushi itself came from a little book full of cute vegan sushi called Vegetarian Sushi Made Easy.

Nava's Hearty Lentil and Mushroom Shepherd's Pie


From the Fat Free Vegan blog. This recipe went way beyond my expectations. We used kale instead of spinach. Delicious comfort food, right here. I can't wait to make it again!


Raspberry Truffle Brownies
These are probably the best vegan brownies I've ever had. My first bite was so overwhelming it was hard to go on, but then I had to, and then I couldn't stop. Ugh... really rich and fudgy, I love it. Recipe includes applesauce.

And last but not least... I'm sad to say that I ate the last of our
Bob's Red Mill 10-Grain Cereal

Which is delicious with almond milk, brown sugar, nuts, sunflower seeds, and dried fruit on it.
Did you know that if you eat 2.5 cups of this stuff, that's 60 grams of protein? That's less than 10 grams shy of my daily recommended intake, and probably goes even further over the edge with the 6 or so grams from the sunflower seeds, and another 6 or so from a slice of peanut butter toast. Plus it's warm and comforting and super filling. I need to get me some more of this stuff.

So there you have it... a sampling of the best stuff I've been eating lately (we don't need to go over the endless amounts of cold cereal, oranges, pasta with marinara, toast, applesauce, and triscuits spread with various nut butters and jams, do we?)

Lent and Other Spiritual Things

I love Lent! That may seem a bit odd, since it's not an LDS tradition. I was first introduced to it by Danielle, since she was raised Lutheran. Lent is when you give up something for the 40 days before Easter. Our second Lent was when we decided to give up meat together. It was the very first step in what would become our vegan spiritual journey.
Have a photo of crocuses - one of the first signs of spring!

This year I've decided to set aside more time for spiritual things. I recently tried meditating for the first time and I liked it so much that I'm trying to set aside 30-60 minutes every day for a sort of daily devotional, which includes time for journal writing, personal prayer, meditation, and the singing or writing of hymns. So far I have noticed a great improvement in my overall emotional state... I was semi-depressed before starting meditation and now I find it much easier to keep a positive attitude about things. It's odd, but taking a moment to just BE in the present moment and appreciate the fact of your own existence, the significance of each breath continuing your life, is really powerful and good for shifting one's perspective out of self-defeating thought processes. It can be very easy to get depressed when there is so much wrong with the world, and to feel like things will never get better and there's no point in trying. But there is never a moment in any of our lives where we have no significance or value. Veganism has already taught me that about animals, but sometimes I forget it about myself.

Granted, I'm also probably happier lately because I have finally got a job! I was hired by a small cleaning company which is run by a young Christian couple. They are extremely nice people and I feel privileged to work for them. I only had my third day of work yesterday, and I feel like I'm really slow at it compared to my boss and the more experienced cleaners, but everyone has been really encouraging and friendly, and I do take satisfaction in knowing I am thorough even if I'm not fast yet. It's a great feeling to step back after cleaning something thoroughly and say "I did that! I made that look beautiful." And my body will get stronger, too. It's quite a work out, cleaning all day long! Humans need to feel useful in order to be happy I think.

As a side note of news, Danielle and I are volunteering for Field Roast's booth at Seattle's Vegfest on the 24th! I'm super excited because that probably means free food samples! :D

Let's see... what else... I recently went to a Relief Society planning meeting where I suddenly got invited to teach a class on Vegan cooking, but that is getting rescheduled for another as yet undetermined time.

Here's an awesome quote I recently read related to veganism:
"But for the sake of some little mouthful of flesh we deprive a soul of the sun and light, and of that proportion of life and time she had been born into the world to enjoy."
- Plutarch


I continue to search for answers about what God is really like. I recently took heart from reading this short article from the Christian Vegetarian Association's newsletter.
_______________

The Gospel According to John begins, “In the beginning was the Word [Greek: logos], and the Word was with God, and the Word was God…” What is the logos?

Ancient sources use logos in a variety of ways, including to denote “word” or “speech.” The context of the writer of John’s Gospel suggests to me that this writer used logos in the sense that the Greek philosopher Heraclitus (ca. 535-475 BCE) used it. For Heraclitus, logos was a general concept – a principle of order and knowledge. Therefore, I think the writer of John was asserting that a logos/general principle has always guided the universe, and this principle was manifest in Jesus of Nazareth.

Is there evidence for such a guiding principle? A look at nature, where animals routinely kill each other, suggests that if there is such a principle, it is not benign. However, in nature creatures also delight in life and even showing kindness and compassion for each other. Indeed, nonhumans will care for friends and even strangers, and sometimes even members of other species. Similarly, humans manifest both extremes of cruelty and callousness as well as love and altruism.

Christian scripture and tradition teaches that the logos was made incarnate in Jesus. To understand the logos from a Christian perspective, we need to explore the life and teachings of Jesus. Here, we find a person who repeatedly showed love, compassion, and concern. He taught that “the greatest commandment” was love, and this accords with 1 John 4:8, which reads, “He who does not love does not know God; for God is love.”

I think that belief that there is a logos is similar to a belief that God exists. We find evidence for both in our lives and in the world around us, though we are also challenged in our faith by evidence to the contrary. Ultimately, we have no choice but organize our lives around principles, whether those principles involve love on one extreme or narcissistic self-interest on the other, and whether or not those principles include God or other metaphysical dimensions. As a person of faith, I choose to try to align my life with a notion of the logos in which the creator God (however clouded in mystery God might be) is loving and caring. I think seeing God as aligned with a single principle is crucial for monotheism, which I will explore next week.

Stephen R. Kaufman, M.D.

Animal Advocacy News

Here is some general news about Veganism which has been cropping up on my Facebook and email lately. Each title is linked to further information and/or a way to take action.

The Turlock Hen Rescue
A factory egg farm recently shut down his facility, leaving 50,000 hens to starve to death. Animal Place and one other organization have taken the initiative to rescue some 4-5 thousand of the hens but are completely overwhelmed with the need for food, bedding, and other supplies. These people are amazing, they are giving their all to save these hens' lives. I could only donate a tiny amount, but by sharing it I have been able to get donations from some family and friends, and I hope that those who can do something for this cause will. It's not every day we have a chance like this to make a real impact on such a huge number of suffering animals. You can also sign this petition to bring the farm owner to justice.

Ag-Gag Bills
There is one in Utah which has passed the House. For those of you living in Utah, please contact your senators and let them know that this is not okay. In order for people to learn the truth about factory farms, we need to continue to be able to send in undercover investigators to document the horrors without being treated like terrorists. One such bill, the first of its kind to pass, has already recently passed in Iowa.
People from MFA are protesting it. I hope it does some good : \


Antibiotic-Resistant Super Viruses
This is the second article I have found talking about how our overuse of antibiotics in factory farms (necessary to keep animals alive in such awful conditions) is breeding new antibiotic-resistant superbugs which are now infecting humans. The first was from a German news source, Der Speigel.

Fox Penning in Virginia
Click above to sign the petition against fox penning. It's a really horrible practice... I don't see how anyone can justify it.

Horse Slaughter in Missouri
Another petition link above.

Use of Pigs in Combat Training
Another petition

Ban the Sale of Whale, Dolphin, and Porpoise meat
and another.

Dying Cattle at Sea
The practice of shipping cattle overseas for slaughter is probably even worse than shipping them by truck. 3,000 cattle recently died when a ship got stranded....

Although there are a lot of other issues and petitions to look for, I'll let anyone who wants to look them up do so on their own. There are many problems in this world and it's easy to get overwhelmed. But we all just have to focus on what we can do, and do it, not get depressed about what we are not doing.