Build Your Own Theology: Motivation

Hello!

I haven't posted on here for quite a while. Over a year! And what a year 2013 was. The most difficult year of my life so far, I do not hesitate to say, but in that difficulty are also some wonderful memories and outrageously fun adventures. I'm on the verge of moving for a second time since my last mentioned move on here. I'm becoming more active in Unitarian Universalism and also studying Zen Buddhism, and this has given me a lot of help and clarity in the midst of crawling out of one of my darkest times. So I'm in a good place right now, and I wanted to share some of my thoughts lately for anyone who might find them interesting.

So here's my first journal for a class I'm taking on ethics called "Build Your Own Theology".

So the first class I went to was all about whether motivation matters in ethical behavior. The crux of the matter was examining whether we do things for ultimately selfish ends (getting into heaven, getting credit somehow) or if doing good is truly its own reward. Is there ever such a thing as a truly selfless act, if we know that we will get some kind of positive benefit from it, even if that's just taking joy in another's joy or avoiding guilt?

So it was interesting because I've thought about this a lot myself... what is true selflessness, and is it possible or desirable? With the Zen stuff I've been reading lately, and all the ways I've been pondering the concept of self-love, I've realized that being "selfish" in some ways is a good thing if it is motivated by a desire to be more of a positive force, more useful in the long run. If someone gives and gives with reckless disregard for whether they will be able to support themselves, they become a burden to others financially and emotionally, and this could breed resentment, which is not creating a more positive outcome in the end. It is not elevating or enriching or helping the world in general even if it might temporarily help someone specifically. Sometimes spontaneous generosity is a good thing, it's true, and sometimes people who give without worrying too much about their own problems end up finding those problems solved unexpectedly through some kind of karma. Basically, for myself, I realize I have to in a sense withhold a part of myself, guarding it and nurturing it, in order to actually be a more positive force rather than a negative one. I have to take the time to nurture myself instead of expecting others to do it or getting mad at myself for having needs in the first place--neither of those are productive. I have to guard against the guilty "I must" in order to be able to say sincerely that I want to.

It's funny because I was also thinking about this in terms of an article on polyamory that a friend posted. The crux of it was that people who are not jealous about their partners finding what they need with other people or being free to have their needs met by a variety of people... they end up being more secure in their relationship with their partner because the relationship does not depend wholly on them being everything to their partner, and they become an option instead of an obligation, which means that they can be confident the love that flows to them is genuine. It is a choice to stay together, a choice to be fully committed to one another's happiness even if that happiness does not always come from them. So that commitment actually translates into encouraging one another to seek fulfillment elsewhere when necessary. I thought that was really interesting.

Also I think about it in terms of being one's true self in order to better serve the world. If everybody felt free to follow their passion, would the world collapse? I don't know about that. Sure there are jobs that nobody really wants to do, but then, some people would always be skilled in those things and appreciated all the more for them I would think. Of course this is an idealistic utopian sort of idea. But at least from what I've observed with my favorite band, Steam Powered Giraffe, magic happens when you truly devote yourself to your passion, and you end up blessing the lives of others in ways you never even dreamed. I think about this a lot. Is it selfish for them to be artists and performers, to ask money for something that they enjoy doing? We obviously believe it is a fair price to support them so that they can continue to enrich our lives with their music and charm. My mom showed me this really cool TED talk by Amanda Palmer (which is so cool and funny because isn't she David's like favorite musician?) all about how people really do value the arts and our most powerful business in life is in giving of ourselves and trusting ourselves to others to be reciprocated in whatever way. That it's okay to ask for things from people because often in receiving we are also giving something valuable to others.

So basically... living for ourselves in terms of living to be our best selves, our most positive and helpful selves... being selfish in that way, is ultimately not selfish, because we are meant to value ourselves and empower ourselves to bless others. That is the essence of what Swil Kanim meant when he told me that the world is counting on me to live my passion, and when he said that to everyone else as well. To be myself authentically and to live my truth because no one can be me like I can. Guilt and the heaviness of unwilling obligation stunts that growth, it blocks that positive energy from flowing freely. I think that's why Jesus said it's better not to give a gift grudgingly. We also don't want to give anything we would feel we are owed for... that's not a true gift. Gift-giving is powerful because it comes from a place of truly wanting the best for everyone, truly wanting to see others happy, not from wanting to get anything out of it even if that something is a closer bond with someone or a sense of being able to ask for the same in return. It's okay to ask for things but not if you are going to resent being told no. Acknowledging the freedom others have to honor their own selves is really good... wanting to only be told yes when that yes is sincere... that is probably what we all want most without realizing it, but our own fear gets in the way, because we think if nobody gives us what we need, how will we survive? So we must demand? So we must give more in order to lock people into reciprocal obligation? That's sad.

Similarly I think if there is a God who truly wants us to follow certain rules, I think this being would like it best if we do it not out of fear or an obligation to please God like some slavish trembling child who fears disappointment, but if we do it out of recognizing that this is truly the best way and if we do this it will make everything better for everyone and make our loved ones AND US happy (if God is one of our loved ones then doing it because we truly believe it will make both us and God happy also counts). I know this is basically also what Mormonism teaches when you get past all the leviticus-like nitpickers but coming at it from a fresh angle really helps.

On a slightly related note I think about this in terms of veganism as well. Because yes guilt does have a big impact on that decision, realizing that harm is coming because of your actions... but I think if people come at it resentfully feeling like they were GUILTed into it by someONE then they are not going to stick with it probably, and it's not going to help because they will not be a good activist in that case. If they come at it with love and a true desire to improve the world and help change people's hearts genuinely then that helps enormously... it passes along that change much more effectively. If someone comes to the decision as a result of being aware of their own conscience, their own desire to be kind and compassionate being at odds with their actions, that is what will enact true change. So motivation does matter... it matters if it truly comes from within yourself and does not feel forced by outside sources. In order to be truly good, you have to truly want to be good of your own will. It's okay if that comes from learning that you want to be good because it makes a loved one happy. But if that is the only reason, it's not going to last, you have to internalize it and realize that you want to BE the person that person thinks you are, regardless of whether that person continues to think so or remains in your life or changes their opinions. There is a transition, a transformation, a transference of power and agency in that process, where you take that motivation upon yourself. You become good when you truly want to be a good person, when you want it to be an intrinsic part of your personality that radiates outward to help others. At that point the distinctions of selfish and selfless become less important because you are recognizing that in being true to yourself (the good in yourself) you are spreading goodness. In loving yourself you are also freeing yourself to spread love to others and teach them to love themselves. You are able to be confident that what is best for you (not always in a worldly sense) will be good for others as well.

of course there is room for confusion and mistakes and self-delusion here. People can misinterpret this and become arrogant or misguided if they don't have enough self-awareness and awareness of others in order to really get their head on straight. You don't want to block others from affecting you with their words entirely. But if you are centered in seeking goodness for yourself and others then criticism will be an opportunity to continue in that path, rather than something to become defensive over. You can calmly examine whether it is useful to you, and then either apply or discard it as needed with no hard feelings. It's just like... if your primary goal is to become a really good writer, and you are enthusiastic and confident in your pursuit of that goal, then criticism will not make you feel like giving up as easily, because you will see it as an opportunity to take another step toward that goal, or at least to understand what the obstacles are that lie between you and your goal.

Geez I'm saying all of this as if I'm living it already. I'm trying to more and more each day. It's not always easy but it is definitely more positive than what I had been doing.

Here's a quote I underlined from the reading.

"Of course, all motives are a mixture of altruism and self-interest. It appears that all of us and all our actions, even the most altruistic, are tainted by self-interest. There is always some regard for the self in human relations. There is no love for the other without self-love, and without self-respect there can be no respect for the other."

Tainted is not the word I would use now but I get what it's trying to say. It's really strange sometimes to recognize the difference between wanting to be good so that I can feel better about myself, maybe even better than other people (yikes!) and wanting to be good so that there is more good in the world. There is a big difference, though subtle and sometimes hard to see. But it feels very different. There is actually less self-consciousness in pure motivation. There is less checking of ourselves because we are only checking ourselves against our own compass rather than trying to predict what other people will think, either good or bad. It's easy to fall into, certainly. But I'm hopeful that I can keep going this way without becoming self-righteous again. True humility, I think, is not putting ourselves below others necessarily... but recognizing that we are all exactly the same level of awesome, in the words of Michael Reed. We may have a different balance of awesome. It might have a bit different composition. But the quantity or potential is the same... the fact that we were all created to add to the beauty of the world. That is the best part of our nature and we all have the opportunity to embrace that. We all have something to give by being our truest selves.

I'm getting a little repetitive now so I guess that's where I'll stop with this journal. May write one for the week I missed later.